Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
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