worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
