I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
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