Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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