Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
