I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
