Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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