After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
MIDGETS
????
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
