Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
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