My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
