Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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