My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
