Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
