I think scott just propositioned me for sex
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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