I feel like I'm in dance class right now
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
