Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
