Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
