can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
this just has baby written all over it
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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