Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
