first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Hello my rib-scented angel!
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize
