My friends, they love my intelligence
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
