I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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