Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
We have started to decorate penises.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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