I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
