please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
