We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Can I color on your dick again?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
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