I bet he comes in French.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
