Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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