I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
