im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
