she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
