I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just blew my weed a kiss
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
