we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
