Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
