you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
