Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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