I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
