The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
