dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
He has the fingertips of a God
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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