I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
