By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
