***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
