Non-Jews are for practice
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
