He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
