I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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