I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
