I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
