Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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