remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
