In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
