ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
